And So It Is

 

So this is how it should all ends. The man stands under the shadow of the building directly across the café. Watch her with the laptop in front of her and cups of coffee that she finished earlier. Also her cigarette packs slightly open and small butane lighter next to it. A vices that he introduce to her years ago.

Funny how he recalled all the things that goes between him, the girl and the cigarettes… She used to be against it vehemently. He remembered how her lips would pout whenever she saw him enjoying his cigarettes when she approached him with her story. She would pout her mouth and stare at him violently. Little did she know that time how beautiful she was in that poses. So he’ll just finish his drags, sometime replacing it with a new one just so he could savor that moment a little longer.

It all change when one day, he accompany her home during a rainy day after a school event, where she carries lots of stuff from home to help out the event. He carries a large bag in each of his arm and the mass of the bags prevents him to get under the umbrella that she used. The rain merely a drizzle at that moment so the decided to walk to her home.

It was at that moment when he fumbling to get his cigarette packs, she raised her arms to his shirt pocket, nervously tries to picks the cigarette pack with her finger. Than unskillfully she takes one shot and puts it in his lips while he stares at her amazed of what he saw. She proceeds to pick the wooden match that she brought for the school event because she doesn’t want to frisk his pants looking for one. The rain and the wind and her inexperience in lighting a cigarette make the process takes awhile to accomplish. And he memorized every second of it in his minds. Later she never minds his smoking habits and after awhile, since bad habits spread easily she follow suit.

He never understood what attract her to him. Nor he understands why she put distance between them some moment before their graduation. But he knows how it defines the path he walks now. At first he was angered by her distancing. He tries to find out why. But all he gathers are just small gibberish from her. Such like she wants to study for their final exam and all. No, he never takes that as the truth. But he know she already burns their bridges and don’t want to rebuild it again. So he moves on with his lives. Going for the path he actually had chosen until she comes into his lives.

That’s how it is, she goes away from their hometown and so does he. From time to time he still heard tidbits of her lives. While still carrying unanswered question, he decided to keep it all inside and move forward. Until he heard from his high school friend that she somehow still carries the burden of their relationship.

At that moment actually he doesn’t give much thought about it. He just feels that he has to see her and show her somehow that he survives and she doesn’t have to feel guilty whatsoever.  Carefully he plans the meeting. At their favorite café, on Friday so there will be plenty of other customers so they can distract the awkwardness of their meeting. Up to the fake invitation in a faraway place to add the finality of he’s being okay. Also to prevent her from entering his lives ever again cause the path he took wouldn’t allow him of such distraction.

She’s a bit hesitating at first to see him, though she finally surrenders to his wishes to see her. But it doesn’t goes as planned. Not at all. Up to the first time he sees her again he saw in her eyes, the eyes that he recognized right away. The eyes that is always there whenever she longs for him. And his heart starts to flutter. But he steeled himself. And goes with his flawed plan that he just realized.  Each moment of that meeting goes heavily in his heart. He can see that behind the charade of her lies of how happy she was now and how everything falls in the right place for her, she still longed for him.  No she still hasn’t learned to lie properly. Not to him anyway, and that makes his heart sunk like a lead.

But there’s no way he can withdraw everything he already said to her in the first place isn’t it.

So now underneath the shadows his heart lurched as he watches her lighting the cigarette one after another. Adding up the quilt that already mounting there. How he wished he could go there and comfort her the way he used to be. Or better yet, to turn back time so he doesn’t have to say the lies he said to her a moment ago.

But he turns away. Goes back to the path that he has already chosen. Steeling each steps so he don’t faltered …

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